I had a conversation with a friend who told me about a female friend of his who’s actively seeking a man for a serious relationship. Her problem that the men who are interested in her aren’t about shit. They are “no good”, immature, hustling, losers and she’s tired of it. What worst part is that she is beginning to think that there is a problem with her because she attracts losers.
As he told me the problem with is friend, I could think about several of my female friends who go through the same ordeal. After discussing for a bit we’ve came to a couple of conclusions…
1. The majority of men aint shit.
As hard as it for me to admit this, it is true. A lot of the guys that I know are no good lying cheating bastards (no offense). Many are fluent in the art of deception and seduction. They know how to get what they want from women while giving as little as possible. To add to that, they have no real ambition to do anything of meaning with there lives. The quick buck is what mostly appeals to them. Now I wouldn’t call these people close friends, just associates that I know. I tend to surround myself with like-minded intelligent individuals. But I understand a majority of the Black male population aren’t intelligent, motivated and faithful individuals. The reasons behind this phenomenon is multifaceted. The one that I will address is the explanation behind the lack of desire for serious monogamous relationships. And it is basically because the second conclusion that we determined. (keep reading)
2. Women are, in fact, crazy and drive men to be the opposite of what they say they want.
Maybe not crazy in the clinical sense but crazy in the way that have baffled the men that pursue them for many centuries. The biggest bewilderment of such are the phrases, “You should havve known”, “I shouldn’t have to tell you that” or the worst of all “That was then, this is now.” We really have a hard time understanding you. In the instances where the man is ideal in every way, you criticize him for being only 95% perfect. I’ve heard women say phrases such as, “He’s too nice” or “I feel like I can walk all over him.” I find that women take advantage of the “good guy” instead of appreciating him. Another thing that I have noticed among the female population is that they would cheat on or leave the “good guy” for the type of man found in our first conclusion. The result will transform the “good guy” to an “asshole”. In some rare instances there are women who could appreciate the “good guy”, but they usually aren’t fortunate enough to ever find one who’s straight or lives in a 50 mile radius. I really believe this problem can be solved by our third conclusion.
3. Women’s attitude need to change, both
a) inwardly
Having low self-esteem will not help you in your pursuit of happiness. You have to KNOW that you are good enough and deserve a good guy, regardless of the assholes that you’ve dealt with.
and
b) outwardly
Present the world with a confident self sufficient woman. The good men will identify you as the prototype and pursue you.
Positive thinking does hurt either. I am a firm believer in speaking your reality into existence. So with that logic if you constantly repeat the phrase “there are no good men out there”, you probably won’t find any. But if the reverse is true you might see some results, if not at least you’ll feel better/hopeful about the search.
Oh, before I forget, please comment. I'd like to know your thoughts.
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22 responses so far ↓
1 George // Feb 11, 2008 at 4:31 pm
It sounds like you are mainly talking about black men, as opposed to all men. It is amazing to be in a town like Hoboken, which is 90% white, but on weekend nights, you wouldn’t believe the amount of black men who come to Hoboken bars lookin for……………….white women. And you should hear them. They say some of the most authentically racist things I have ever heard (and I come from a racist area) . They truly seem to hate black women. They make it sound like they don’t have to respect black women (except their mom), and that now that they have made it in the world, part of making will include having a white girlfriend. I know this is not all black men who think this way, but when its all I see week after week after week, it seems to me there is some sort of crisis going on.
2 rey // Feb 11, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Yo Meier I see you still are able to put things in an innocently clever way.. LOL … I think I need to go bar hopping with you a couple times to meet me some white women… LOL…
one a serious note…
I am referring to the black population… I have little to no experience otherwise but I would imagine that the situation is similar… “a good man is hard to find” … unless of course you ladies are looking in my direction
3 George // Feb 11, 2008 at 10:08 pm
eww Rey somebody’s been lying to you!
4 Chantal // Feb 11, 2008 at 11:54 pm
smh.. Yes IT IS hard for a woman to find a good man and I STRONGLY BELIEVE that. I was talking about this topic to my friend and we stated how it must be something wrong with us being that if we attract the same guys at all times that there was something wrong with the picture if you only attract THOSE guys. Man, I swear guys get it easier. Since usually the girls wait for the guys to make a move, the guys ALWAYS get the upperhand. Idk, this is a sketchy topic. But girls do get it harder and it is not fair.
5 rey // Feb 12, 2008 at 9:56 am
#1 - life isn’t fair
#2 - check out item 3 in the above post I think that might help Chantal
6 Cassandra // Feb 13, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Here are my 2 cents…
It is easy to find a good man. We (black women) have to change our way of thinking (item 3). If you think/speak negative, you will get negative results and vice versa. Also you have to BELIEVE!!
We have to exercise the lessons that our moms taught us. You dont let all your business out in the first few moments of conversation, you leave a little mystery.
Superwoman syndrome has been our downfall. Dont act like you dont need a man, but when your ass is in heat, you want to act like a donkey-that is when you attract your loser of the month.
White women CATER to black men. They make them feel like KINGS, whereas we have them feeling less than the gum under the bottom of our shoes.
7 rey // Feb 13, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I COMPLETELY agree with my new homegirl Cassandra! You aint never lie about about that superwoman syndrome… It sounds like you have a lot of wisdom. I could dig it!
8 George // Feb 13, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Yeah what Cassandra’s sayin about white girls is what I hear alot from my black students. So many of them have sworn off black women forever (or so they say) because they buy into all the racial/sex theories out there. and I just looked it up—75% of interracial marriages involved a black husband! What the heck is going on???? And now reynald wants to join ‘em! oops i’m not supposed to use his government name. But I helped raise him so its hard for me to change.
9 rey // Feb 13, 2008 at 10:11 pm
for real Meier you helped raise me? LOL you was my teacher for one year in which i had to help you learn how to take authority over the class… so who raised who? LOL you’re funny…
And I was just kidding about that switching over thing… (not that there’s anything wrong with that)
10 Cassandra // Feb 13, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Rey, you could say that. I am slowly taking heed to what my mom told me as a teenager.
11 George // Feb 14, 2008 at 12:13 am
all right rey you got me . We were both just kids back then and I would have not even come remotely close to getting through my first year of teaching without you being there to listen to my whining just about every single day after school.
12 Nzinga // Feb 14, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I def agree with Cassandra’s comment about the females who have the “Superwoman Syndrome”, but along with that some guys get intimidated FAR too quickly by females who have their stuff together. By stuff I mean… educated, can keep house, cook, Christian, and can satisify emotionally and in the bedroom. I’m noticing some guys get scared after the first item on my list and miss out on the later ones.
Also, there are woman that ain’t shit also, but THINK they are.
13 rey // Feb 14, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Nzinga you’re right about fellas being intimidated easily… a lack of confidence in yourself will get you nowhere!
14 Chantal // Feb 15, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I do not agree with Cassandra’s comment. However, it is her opinion and I respect it. I guess it just depends on the girl. I treated all my exes like a KING. However, when I did, they took it for granted. So, then guys will think you are smothering them. Therefore, it is somewhat of a lose/lose situation.
I give everyone a chance until they prove me wrong. Everything in the past is the past. A majority of the men that I have met are not ready for a relationship. So why is that when I do find a good man, they do not want to commit. So Nzinga is def correct. And women can’t change men.
15 Liz // Feb 15, 2008 at 8:05 pm
It’s hard to find anyone for you if you don’t know about yourself.
Forget about how many good men are out there. How do you know what’s “good” if you have no idea what you will stand for and what you won’t. Like most other things, it takes some conscious and continuous thought about what it is you like or don’t like, why it is you like or don’t like it, and a good support system (friends and family whose opinion you trust) to let you know if you’re off base or not. So, regardless of the origins of the man you happen to find, he’ll be the one for you with this type of analysis.
Nothing good will come to you until you know what it is you you are now, what you’ll like to have, and what has to happen between now and then to get the end result.
16 rey // Feb 15, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Chantal, I feel that a relationship has to do with give and take. You’re saying that you are doing a lot of giving and the fellas aren’t appreciating it. I could see that happening if you give too much too fast. A person will not feel anything for something that they didn’t work for. You got to let them work for that inch before you give them that mile.
17 rey // Feb 15, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Liz, I agree with you in saying you have to know what you want in a relationship. One thing I would like to add to that is you should also be open minded to new possibilities that you haven’t thought of.
18 Inch by Inch // Feb 25, 2008 at 8:23 am
[...] case may be, I’m going to continue where I left off… sort of. The post was about how difficult it is for women to find a good man. I think Cassandra made a very accurate comment. But another commenter said something like… [...]
19 Brittany // Mar 2, 2008 at 6:59 pm
You are EXACTLY right on #2
20 Terri // Mar 4, 2008 at 1:53 am
Something else to consider is that there are quite a few women out there who …. Well, let me tell you about someone I know so you get the picture. Half of the men she dates I can easily see they’re not compatible and half the time she complains about what they’re not doing, how they disappoint her, etc.
Maybe the problem with women who say they can’t find a good man is that they need to be a little more realistic about who they hook up with. If you’re not compatible, and you’re with him thinking you can change him, of course you’re going to have problems and he’s going to seem like he’s not a good man. He’s just not a good man for you. Women can’t be so desperate to be in a relationship, or so afraid of not being in one that they’re hooking up with just anyone and then complain about what they get.
Just one side of this coin.
21 rey // Mar 4, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Terri you make a good point. I completely forgot about the situation when women try to change men. I don’t think it is acceptable to settle for a loser and then try to change him.
22 Cassandra // Mar 6, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Chantal, I can respect that you do not agree with my comment, just like I respect yours.
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